Bauble wars at Christmas

My little flowers,

I don’t know about you, but, personally, family meals are not really my thing. The problem is that the Christmas holidays are packed full of all kinds of fancy meals. And they always lead back to the same conclusions:

  • “Fuck, I really need to pee (number 1) Auntie Mavis has stuck me right at the end of the table and I can’t get out without taking somebody’s eye out (number 2) I’ve eaten so much I want to throw up. I’ll just be holding in my pee and swallowing my vomit then…”
  • “Hmm yeh err no… they’re actually always racist. How silly I am.”
  • “No Nana, I don’t have a boyfriend. Yeh, yeh I haven’t forgotten that it’s high time that I did, don’t worry.”

The magic of Christmas then, is that I always end up wanting to throw the baubles at people. At every possible occasion, I find myself looking like an idiot not knowing what to say for myself. Damn it Nana, now that I’m happily digesting my dinner I can calmly answer you (yup, the vom is still there, but I did manage to pee. Bet you’re pleased to hear that, eh?).

Well Nana I must admit that you are a genius. Yes, you didn’t need to read Sharon Sassier and Dela Kusi-Appouh from Cornwell University (Family Relations journal, December 2011) to know that less and less young people are getting married. And you’re right, I am one of them. Like them, I think about the, “social, legal, emotional and economic consequences” of a possible divorce, which are a big deal just for tearing up that piece of paper. This study shows that 2/3 of couples who live together are slowed down by these considerations. Not so romantic us youngsters, eh Nana?

On the other hand, you should be happy for me you know. If I can’t find anybody, it’s blatantly just because I have too much choice. Yes honestly, in this article Winnie Andrews discusses a scientific study from March 2011, which proved that people who are confronted with too large a choice of partners are more likely to find themselves alone as a result. Indecisiveness gets to them somehow. There are too many fish in my sea, Nana, I just don’t know where to start.

One last scientific argument: Beyoncé approves. What have you got to say to that Nana?

So, you should be happy for me. Maybe I don’t quite see straight and am not very romantic when it comes to relationships, but Nana, it’s just because I have too many suitors. I can’t help being so sexy ;)

PS 1: This article dates back to Christmas time of course. But still, I wish you a good next Christmas !
PS 2: Nana…? Come on, don’t get angry with me. I love you <3

There’s no party in these pants

They’ve gone and done it! Honestly, I swear! A new map showing the size of penises across Europe popped up on my newsfeed two days ago. So then, does this one make up for the last one? Forget it, my poor things. It’s worse. This time, there doesn’t even seem to be any scientific research behind the long, meticulous journey, going from penis to penis with a decimal ruler.

Even if we were to assume that these results were valid, the question still remains of how they went about it. Were these men left jerking their gherkins in peace whilst they had full-on erections? Did the scientist in charge of the measurement take it upon themselves to ensure that the data was collected? Hmm, I’ll tell you what I think my friends, all that’s just a load of bullshit.

So, staying on the theme of men this evening, let’s take a look at the other part of these gentlemens’ genital package: the testicles.

For several years, scientists have already been recommending men not to work with a computer on their lap, as the heat can cause a risk of infertility. In fact, using a computer for 30 minutes can cause an increase in temperature of 2.5°C and can therefore lead to scrotal hyperthermia (overheating of the scrotum which can’t be put down to the girl-next-door’s cleavage but to the use of said computer) However, a new study published in The Fertility and Sterility Journal by Conrado Avendano and his team suggests that Wi-Fi could well be more damaging to sperm than heat. Actually, electromagnetic waves emitted and received by the device (the computer, not the bloke’s package, keep up!) could cause immobility and genetic damage to sperm cells. In their experience, 25% of sperm cells placed under a Wi-Fi emitting computer for 4 hours stopped moving, and 9% experienced changes in genetic code (compared to 14 and 3% without Wi-Fi). Scientists are still apprehensive and are awaiting further investigation; results such as this remain unpublished at the moment.

The moral of this evening’s post: let your balls air lads, and if needs be get some help from the girl-next-door. She could even measure your member to make a proper map while she’s at it. Maybe I’ll put myself forward to collect the results!!

references : for the truthful map, let’s thank Buzzfeed. The article about wifi and testicle is on  fluctuat.net

Tales of orifices

My friends, this evening I’m in a penetrative mood. That’s right, penetrative. So, to satisfy this need, I started by putting a cotton bud in my ear. That wasn’t enough. I ate something really stodgy (thank you to my lovely housemates who took it upon themselves to destroy my stomach). Still not enough.  Then I remembered an article that I’d seen in The Guardian on 16th November which was penetrative, to say the least, and that put a spring in my step and a grin on my face…

In an attempt to better understand the neurological mechanisms involved in the female orgasm, scientific journalist Kayt Sukel took part in an experiment: she masturbated in an MRI scanner. All under the instruction of Barry Komisaruk, orgasm researcher (orgasm researchers seriously exist?), and his PhD student Nan Wise. Well, to be honest, making yourself come in an MRI scanner (magnetic resonance imaging scanner) doesn’t exactly come easily: confined space, deafening noise, inability to move without compromising the data, and above all… scientists impatiently awaiting the results of your “performance”. Consequently, Kayt had to practise reaching orgasm while moving as little as possible for several weeks. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to see the results!

Ah, but that’s not all! I still haven’t completely satisfied my unhealthy craving… and so I have a little bonus for you.

On the same day, The Huffington Post website presented us with a superb selection of X-Rays which have been published in a new book, subtly named Stuck Up! (by forensic psychiatrists Marty A.Sindhain and Rich E. Dreben and emergency room physician Murdoc Knight). I highly recommend that you go and take a look at it for yourselves. You’ll see that doctors must have no end of things to talk about over the coffee machine: from the Barbie to the iPod, the buzz light-year to the cassette tape; there is a range of things to crack them up. More than 100 cases are listed in the book in question, the crème de la crème of strange objects inserted into the human body.

In the hope that this article inspired you as much as it did me, I’ll leave you to hit the hay and wish you pleasant penetration (any orifice included)!

Abricot ou courge ?

Quelle magnifique métaphore que voilà !!! Y a-t-il de meilleures façons de commencer une nouvelle semaine que de se poser cette question : Vous êtes plutôt courge ou abricot ? Pas que je me soucie de savoir quelles sont vos préférences culinaires, ou si le jardinage est votre passe-temps préféré. Ne faites pas les timides, vous commencez à me connaitre, vous savez où je vais en venir…sauf que je n’ai pas envie de parler de vos préférences sexuelles aujourd’hui, mais plutôt de la perception que vous avez de votre propre sexe.

Comment savez-vous si vous êtes une femme ou un homme ? La question parait simplissime au premier abord. Prenez juste 1 minute pour y penser. Qu’est-ce qui distingue un homme d’une femme ? Les réponses les plus immédiates qui vous viendront à l’esprit seront surement les suivantes : j’ai un vagin/un pénis ; des caractères sexuels secondaires propres aux hommes/aux femmes (tels que la barbe, des seins, une taille marquée, une voix muée, etc…) ; des chromosomes sexuels XX ou XY (codant respectivement pour des phénotypes femelle et mâle) ; des escarpins plein la penderie et/ou des tee-shirts du PSG qui en disent long…Le problème avec toutes ces réponses, c’est qu’en incluant certains individus dans un des deux groupes, elles posent également des limites à ce qui n’est pas inclus dans le groupe. Autrement dit, aux gens qui n’appartiennent ni vraiment à l’idée qu’on se fait du sexe féminin ou du sexe masculin : les hermaphrodites. L’hermaphrodisme, pour faire simple, c’est quand t’as l’abricot ET la courge. Ou une moitié d’abricot, et une moitié de courge. Ou l’aspect d’un abricot mais avec une courge planquée dessous. Ou…bref, tout les mixages possibles et imaginables entre un abricot et une courge.

L’histoire de la médecine, de la biologie, de l’étude du développement embryonnaire
et des théories de l’évolution se rencontrent en un point précis sur la discussion de la détermination des sexes. Il semble en effet que celle-ci ait fluctué. Plusieurs courants de pensée se sont succédés voire croisés depuis la Grèce antique. Et cette discussion sur la détermination du sexe biologique n’aurait jamais eu lieu sans les études répétées de cas d’hermaphrodisme au cours de l’histoire. En effet, en sortant de la norme, ceux-ci ont en quelques sorte obligé les scientifiques à déterminer ce qui était dans la norme, et donc à discuter les règles d’appartenance aux 2 groupes.

Si je vous parle aujourd’hui de courges et d’abricot, c’est parce que je suis en pleine lecture d’un livre appelé Hermaphrodites and the medical invention of Sex. L’auteure, Alice Domurat Dreger, m’a complètement convaincue du fait que d’un point de vue totalement biologique, chaque être humain est placé sur une sorte de continuum sexuel variant entre masculinité parfaite et féminité parfaite. Un peu comme lorsque que j’expliquais sur Sexpress que toutes les femmes ont des anatomies très variées les unes des autres. Pour preuve, regardez cet interview d’Hazel Jones sur ITV (en anglais), 27 ans, qui s’est rendue compte qu’elle avait 2 vagins.

La biologie n’est pas binaire. L’environnement (au sens large) peut influer le développement d’une personne. De la même sorte, l’anatomie n’est pas non plus binaire, et si vous voulez mon avis : on est tous des mélanges abricots/courges, et le monde se porterait mieux si on s’en rendait compte !

références :  Hermaphrodites and the medical invention of sex de Alice Domurat Dreger, publié en 2000, Harvard University Press

photo: Hermaphrodite, fils d’Aphrodite et Hermès, statue de Pergamum, de Sandstein